Over My Head

God You've shown me your mercy, your strength, your healing power. You've given hope to a friend whom I had been praying constantly for. I have seen your work Lord, I know You exist and God I do love you. If I'm ever going through a hard time in my life, before I'm about to make a mistake I always ask myself, Do you love God or this more? And I choose You God, I admit, it's not always an easy path but I love You. But lately an alarming feeling has reached me; God what is this apathetic feeling in my heart?  

I'm haunted by horrible memories, by pain, that as a defense mechanism I chose to be numb. Heck, anyone that has been through what I have been through and been abused as much as I have you either do one of the two; go numb or end up in an asylum. But God when I really look into myself, I feel nothing. I've become a perfect fort God. I've gotten so defensive, I'm no longer offensive. God, because of everything I have been though I've built up an incredible tolerance to pain. Because of betrayals from people both in the past and VERY recent I learned the hard way that people cannot be trusted; even people of the church.  People will be disappointments but only Your promises prevail. Now that I know anyone close to me could end up being a disappointment I trust no one. I've taken the world onto my shoulders alone. It's me versus everyone else in the world. Am I supposed to be in this constant state of fear? That every "friendship" I have is really just me waiting for the moment that that person would betray me? How am I supposed to have brothers and sisters with me in corporate worship if I feel this way? This can't be right. I want to be able to worship with them, to just hold each other hands and be there for them when things go wrong. Life isn't easy and we're meant to get through things together, yet, we can't put a little faith in people? I'm terribly confused and at a lost. I remember people watching one day at Starbucks in library west, hurrying to do my Hindi homework but observing people as well. As Christians we are called to be in this world to spread Your word but not OF this world. Well I knew I was not of this world but I didn't feel like I was in this world either. I wanted to get inside their heads. I wanted to feel what they felt. I wanted to understand them God, because I wanted to know what it meant to feel again. 

I had a nightmare again God. The night of my friend's funeral in 1997. I remember looking in his coffin that night, and just having being consumed by rage, I remember smashing everything and the yelling at the thunderstorm outside. I remember running out into the rain and crying, crying that I'm sorry I called you a midget all the time Travis.  But what was different, was I kept seeing Travis's blood on my hands. The rain couldn't wash away the blood. And I woke up, and I didn't feel anything. God help me to feel again.  I have difficulty waking up now God. I can no longer tell reality from what I dream. 

Sigh, school starts on Monday. I'll try to update regularly since I have my new computer but, we'll see how that goes.  I don't know how to pack tomorrow to head back since I have too much to pack. I have the old song Over My Head stuck well, IN my head.  I remember the lyrics, "It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's standing when it clears." How true those lyrics are for me and how I wish they were not true.

"There is a time in every life when paths are chosen, a character is forged. I could have chosen a different path. But I didn't and I failed myself."-The Sweet Far Thing

scent of a woman.

curses and blessings.
they're supposed to be the same thing.
no matter what we're supposed to be thankful for whatever God has given us.
good or bad.
because His gifts come in all shapes and sizes.
what may hurt is for your own good.
so then,
why was I made a woman
when being a woman is what's killing me? 

strangers again.

Dear God,

I don't want my relationship with you to be like this. I don't want to go back to where I've been. I don't want to be comfortable with you. I want that passion back. The passion that I had when I was younger. Passion, desire and hunger can't be preached but must be felt. From where I am, only you can save me. No one else can. God, I don't want to be strangers again.

signed,

carrot.

http://youtu.be/tSdELZxEnHY

God: rep the Word.

I fist pump to this in the car. 

Rep the werd yo.

-carrot.

It's raining, it's pouring...

It's raining; it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

He went to bed and bumped his head,

And he couldn't get up in the morning

I just wanted to feel like a kid again.

I wanted to go run in the rain and splash in puddles without having to worry about how sick I'm going to get.

I realised I need to leave Gainesville. As much as I regret leaving the church behind, in Gainesville I'm always sick, as a matter of fact I've been prone to being sick ever since we've moved back to Florida. My body needs 4 seasons, it needs to go back up North. I'll never forget the love and kindess shown to me when I was sick but, it's time for me to move on...to where up north I don't really know but I have a feeling God knows where I'm going, He'll lead me to a med school up there next year since I won't get in this year. I'll try to use this last year to spend it well with people I know before I leave. Hopefully, all will be well, at least that's what I tell this weak heart of mine.

Ptui ptui, being sick prone has made me long for being healthy. I'll work hard to put this body into good shape!  Maybe there will be one day where I won't have to worry about being sick and I can really run out and play in the rain once again. Till then, I'll be the third party observer watching from afar.